The Bachelor: Episode 9

Episode 9 brings us to beautiful Thailand! Sean immediately lets us know he's "friggin crazy" about all three of his remaining women. He and Catherine share something in their relationship that he doesn't have with the other two. His and AshLee's relationship is the strongest one. He and Lindsay have a spark that has grown into a "massive flame." At this point I'm convinced he's going to convert to Mormonism (I know, I know- that isn't a real word) and marry all three. Sean's man tank tells us that he is a believer in "sun's out, guns out," and I'm okay with it. A guy with arms like Sean's can wear a tank top all day every day if he wants to!

Sean and Lindsay take a moped/golf cart hybrid to the market where they do strange things. Sean thinks it would be a grand idea to test Lindsay to see if she'll eat bugs for him, and naturally, she eats them. Because who wouldn't? I'm vom-ing. I wouldn't eat bugs (or chicken feet) for ANYONE. Not even you, Sean Lowe. A fun and adventurous life does not have to (and should not) include eating bugs or chicken feet. Sean and Lindsay kiss and I'm wondering how grasshopper-flavored lips taste. Sounds mega yum to me! Sean and Lindsay go to the beach, and she tells America that she wants to tell Sean she loves him today. She also says today has changed her life because everything seems more real, but I think today changed her life because she will forever be mentally scarred from eating a FREAKING GRASSHOPPER. I clearly can't let this go, y'all. They fed some monkeys on the beach (which was super BA), and I want to feed monkeys in Thailand! My future hubs has so many things on his "Things To Take Shae To Do" list. He can thank ABC and every romcom ever made for my unrealistic expectations. Sean and Lindsay have dinner in front of some Thai floats that light up, and suddenly I feel like they're at the fair (this is in no way a good thing). Right as Lindsay is about to tell Sean she loves him at dinner, some dancing circus freaks come out from behind the floats. Lindsay says she feels like she's in a movie (presumably a movie about a fair). Sean pulls the fantasy suite card out of thin air, and they decide to take it (duh). Currently, Thailand is looking a lot like a circus, a fair, and a parade. All in one. In the fantasy suite, Lindsay tells Sean she loves him, and it's very awkward and forced. Sean says "I love hearing you say that," and my heart dropped! I thought he was going to tell her he loved her, too. I bet Lindsay was super let down when she heard those last four words. I was.

AshLee, AshLee, AshLee. She is SO excited to be in Thailand with the LOVE OF HER LIFE. She LOVES this man and LOVES being with him. AshLee: "I love being with you." Sean: "Me, too." Sean loves being with himself. Presh. On a serious note, I hate it when people say "Me, too" to statements such as "I love you," "I miss you," "I always have fun with you," etc. (I could go on for days). AshLee continues to talk about how in love she is with Sean (we get it). Sean makes AshLee swim through a cave with him to get to their private beach for their date. She has a panic attack before she even gets off the boat, and insists she needs a floaty (I would need a floaty too, Ash). She brings up her daddy issues for the first of approximately one million times tonight. She is terrified because swimming through a dark cave makes her more vulnerable than she's ever been. She's vulnerable now because she was abandoned and her parents didn't love her and because abandonment abandonment abandonment. Because this is so relevant to swimming through a cave. What? AshLee needs to realize that swimming through a dark cave would be terrifying for anyone. Even someone who isn't adopted, doesn't have trust issues, and who isn't a control freak (me, for example). I know her past has/had a huge impact on her life, and it should, by all means! But not everything in her life needs to be related to her abandonment issues, and she can't blame her abandonment for everything for the rest of forever. Let. It. Gooooo. AshLee, metaphor queen, compares the dark cave to life, saying that in life, sometimes you walk down alleyways with the person you love, and if that's what love is about- count me out. I'm no fan of dark alleyways, regardless of who I'm with. Sean says he sees the light at the end of the tunnel and seriously how many more analogies do we need to make? Sean loves being AshLee's protector AKA he loves getting a power trip every time he's around her. Sean marvels at the beach and says it is picturesque and the forests surrounding it are lush. He's obvs brushed up on his vocab since last week's encounter with Nate and the repetitive use of "reciprocation." Reciprocation, reciprocation, reciprocation must have made Seanie feel insecure in his language. AshLee is being emotional and dramatic and says that the overnight date is the one part of this whole process she's been worried about. LIAR. She worries about everything. After making sure she and Sean are on the same page about no sexy time allowed, she decides to take advantage of this opportunity to get to spend more time with Sean. She says her whole "heart" wants to stay the night with him. Side note- Does anyone know what the H a gypset is and why the H AshLee felt the need to wear it in bold, gold letters across her neck? AshLee tells Sean exactly what kind of ring she wants and even her ring size. If Sean wasn't sure about who he was sending home before, he has full clarity now. AshLee is convinced Sean has healed her broken heart, but really he's just breaking it more. I genuinely want to know why AshLee thought it was a good idea to come on this show? What was her thought process? Hey, I have trust issues and I'm broken. I think I'll date this guy who will be dating up to 25 other girls at the same time because that sounds like it would help me be more trusting. I'm so CONFUSED.

Catherine runs up behind Sean and hugs him and kisses him and then she jumps around for a solid 60 seconds. Sean gets noticeably more excited when he sees Catherine than when he sees Lindsay or AshLee. As Sean and Catherine talk, he occasionally kisses her head. AWWWWW. Catherine tells Sean she is so over Seattle and would be ready and willing to move to Dallas for him. She says she can't believe a guy like Sean is into her; it "boggles" her mind. I love how humble she is. Sean and Catherine kiss in the rain. AWWWW again. They are totes preshy! Catherine says she is traditional and she doesn't know if she's comfortable staying overnight in the fantasy suite with Sean, but after realizing that the fantasy suite is more about valuable alone time and less about sexy time, they decide to go for it. I'm wondering why the girls this season are bothered by the fantasy suite date when before no one has ever cared (except for Emily not even offering it to her final 3). Did ABC just happen upon girls with morals this season or what? Catherine keeps referring to Sean as "beefy" and "hunky," and it freaks me out. She tells Sean that she has been made fun of her whole life for being "chunky" and for eating a lot. So...what does that make me? Sean says I'm smoking hot and that he's the lucky one to have me. I mean... Catherine. She's smoking hot, and he's lucky to have her. Whatever. Catherine says when she looks into Sean's eyes, something visceral happens, and does anyone even know what that means? Also she is ah-mazed by the sky full of stars above them. Who knew skies were full of stars? Sean's kisses give me the cringies (another made up word; get over it). WAY too much tongue-age.

Sean watches the video messages from the girls, and the look on his face during AshLee's message is a telltale sign that she is going home. She cries in her vid and says she's super emotional, like this is a new thing. You've been emotional all season, baby. Time to go home. Also, Catherine, WHAT ARE THE WIGGLES? Sean gives you the WIGGLES? Sean gives Catherine the wiggles. What..the.....does that even mean? I don't get it. I really, really don't get it.

AshLee shows up to the Rose Ceremony wearing a stripper dress. I'm legitimately concerned that all of America is about to get a glimpse of AshLee's boobies. Even if the dress fit her, it would still be ugly. And I don't understand why she put that gaudy necklace with it. Sean gives roses to Catherine and Lindsay and sends AshLee home. Or to the psych ward. Probably to the psych ward. AshLee is muy angry and barely gives Sean a chance to explain his decision/say goodbye. She doesn't give much of a response back to Sean, and she gets in the van and leaves. If I were to ever go on The Bachelor (I wouldn't), when I got the boot, I would leave with some dignity and self-respect. First off, I wouldn't show all of America my goods (even if they were fake and huge). Also, I wouldn't storm off to the vehicle, I would give Sean a chance to say what he has to say, and I would at least wish him luck! AshLee was just that girl. Don't be that girl. AshLee says this process wasn't about laughter and having fun for her, and I'm convinced that she hates her life and has always hated her life. Homegirl needs to have some fun and let loose. She keeps turning her head away from the camera, and it looks like she is looking out the window for Sean. He's not chasing you down the road, Ash. Sorry boutcha. I'm excited to see/hear what she and the rest of Sean's ex-girlfriends have to say next week at the Women Tell All!

The Good:

• Lindsay's blue high-low Rose Ceremony dress

The Bad:

• Lindsay's date night dress. At first glance I thought I really liked it, but after a closer look, I hated all the details.
• AshLee's day date outfit. Cream sweater, white shorts... Bad color combination.
• Catherine's date night outfit. Her dress was ugly and unflattering, and those black heels just didn't go. She's so cute!! I just wish she would let me dress her.
• AshLee's Rose Ceremony dress (as discussed above).

Thanks for reading!

Shae

The Bachelor: Episode 8

The time has come for hometowns! I always love these dates. We get to see fam fams, and I sure do love fam fams! We get to see where the girls are from and what (who) has made them who they are. Side note- The content of this episode was important and interesting, leaving me with little recollection of what the girls wore (I’m a little disappointed in myself). The few outfits that caught my eye (good or bad) are discussed throughout the blog.

First stop: Houston, hometown of AshLee. She is wearing black jeans, a black tank, and a plaid shirt tied up under her boobies. Not working for me. Her dog is a cutie though! Also: I tried keeping count of how many times AshLee refers to Sean as “this man,” but I gave up at 500. Seriously, refer to him as Sean. That’s his name. Jesus Christ, why does AshLee cry so much?  AshLee’s dad’s hair makes me LOL so freaking hard. Is the dude part porcupine? Did he get electrocuted? He asks like a million questions about what they’ve been doing and where they’ve been and I would do the same! Not because I was being protective, but because I would legitimately be curious and jealous (I’m selfish so what). AshLee talks about the Polar Bear Plunge and cries (we’re all SO shocked). Then her dad laughs at her and so do I. I think AshLee’s mom, Deborah, is super cute and sweet. Sean tells ole Deb that he won’t break AshLee’s heart, but he’s lying and we all know it. He can’t know that. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Seanie baby. I like that Sean turns the tables and grills AshLee’s dad instead of vice versa. Ballsy move, bro bro! AshLee’s dad’s story about meeting AshLee for the first time kind of melted my heart and creeped me out at the same time. But I get it. AshLee told Sean that she wants to marry someone just like her dad, and in that aspect, we are soooo the samesies. I wanna marry someone like my daddy, too, homegirl. AshLee’s mother tells Sean she can’t wait to meet his parents and family. She’s so precious. AshLee says “this man” ten thousand more times, cries ten thousand more tears, and then Sean leaves after their “magical” (per AshLee) day filled with pixie dust. Whatever that means. Sean says AshLee is totes spesh.

Sean travels to Seattle next to see Catherine. They’re both so giddy and cute. She reminds me a lot of Ashley Hebert from Brad’s season of the Bachelor and I loved her! Sooo, naturally, I love Catherine. Sean is ready to get nasty on the hands and get dirty, so he catches some flying dead fishies. Then Sean suggests Catherine try it out also, so she does. And I think this is hilarious because she’s  vegan. Making a vegan catch dead fish seems a little cruel to me, but funny, nevertheless. Can you imagine how bad they smell after that? I hope Catherine’s family uhhh likes the smell of fish? Catherine says she loves Sean’s “big beefy arrrrrrmsuh!!” Sean says he can’t be the cool guy with Catherine, and that he doesn’t want to be. I like that. They’re nerdy and cute and fun. Catherine tells Sean to touch her grandmother’s hand to his forehead to impress her because it’s special in their culture. LIKE SHE WON’T KNOW CATHERINE TOLD HIM THAT. Grandma is old, not stupid. Or maybe she is stupid. Who am I to judge? Catherine’s loose blue sweater and her black flare-leg pants are SPOT ON. So cute. I’m getting kind of a chic hippie vibe. Sean wears two aprons in the kitchen with Catherine’s mom. Grandma thinks Sean is handsome. Sean does pushups with Catherine on his back. So far, so good. Until her sisters voice their concerns. And I’m afraid this is exactly how I would be if my sister were to go on the show, as bad as I hate to admit that. I feel bad for Catherine because of her sisters bringing her down and making her constantly defend her and Sean’s relationship. Catherine’s sisters tell Sean she is kind of but not really ready to settle down, and that she is dirty/messy and moody. I WOULD BE SO MAD AT BROOKE IF SHE DID THAT TO ME (take note, sis). Sean says Catherine is totes spesh, too. Catherine’s mother doesn’t give Sean her blessing. I think, overall, Sean feels a little let down by tonight with Catherine’s family.

The next date is with Lindsay in Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. I wish someone would give Lindsay a synonym for “army brat.” I’m sick of hearing that phrase. Sean is nervous to meet Lindsay’s dad because he’s a two star general. I have no idea what that means (and I’m far too lazy to google it), but it sounds intimidating. I love Lindsay’s outfit. Simple white shirt, black pants, and tan booties. They just walk around the town, making a few stops at an antique shop, a restaurant/bar, and a bakery (yay cupcakes). Sean and Lindsay have a very detailed conversation about what to call her dad, and she tells him to avoid calling him anything, but then they agree on “Mr. Yenter,” although Sean’s “inclination” was to call him General Yenter. Lindsay brings out some crazy cute windsuit pants and an army tshirt, tells Sean to put them on, and then yells at him for going on other hometowns. I loved this. It could have been really awkward and cheesy, and maybe it was kinda cheesy, but I thought it was cute (probably just because I like Lindsay a lot). On to Lindsay’s house! Lindsay and her mother look so much alike and act so much alike as well! Lindsay says if her dad doesn’t like Sean, it would be a deal breaker (just as it should be; if the parents don’t like him, buh byyyye). Sean’s talking about the wedding dress thing. Aaaaaagain. Sean says Lindsay is totes spesh. Sean, AM I TOTES SPESH? Everyone else is and I want to be too!!! “I love you” is a very sacred set of words to Sean, and he doesn’t just throw them around. Major points with momma bear! Lindsay’s dad is a softy! He tells Sean he would be happy with Sean and Lindsay gettin’ hitched after telling us an irrelevant story about paratroopers. Lindsay’s family is my favorite. They even gave Sean a dog (identification, apparently) tag. Preshy! Lindsay’s lil bro held out his hand as Sean was leaving and Sean instead gives lil bro a big ole bear hug! Preshy again. Lindsay is muh faaave.

Sean goes to LA to see Des (why didn’t she take him to her hometown?), and they go for a hike. Her bangs are annoying (again). Hiking through a canyon with your dogs is apparently the thing to do in LA. Count me out. Let’s talk for a second about how much I cannot stand it when people don’t say thank you when complimented. Sean: Nice place! Des: I know! Sean: Nice artwork, you did these? Des: Yeah. I know! Guys.. This. Drives. Me. Crazy. Later, Des’s supposed ex-boyfriend shows up, and Sean is getting fired up! Turns out it’s all a joke, and “ex-boyfriend” is an actor, and it’s all made up. Sean, you’ve been punk’d. Where is Ashton Kutcher? He’s the one who does(did?) that show. Right? Anyway… Payback for Sean. I loved it! Des’s family arrives at her house, and Sean and Des talk about what all they’ve done over the course of the last several weeks. Her parents are so sweet (her family would be my favorite if it weren’t for her DA brother)!  Nate, Des’s brother, is tat tat tatted up, and he talks like an illiterate rapper. Really. He’s harsh and cynical and straight up rude (Did I just describe myself?). Nate says he wants to “holla” at Sean “real fast.” He’s gotta be a rapper. The next Eminem maybe? No? Nate says there is no reciprocation, and I’m shocked he even knows what that means. Nate calls Sean out for being crazy about three other girls as well, interrupts him repeatedly, and then ends an awkward silence by calling Sean a playboy. Sean gets noticeably angry and irritated, and they go back inside. It gets awkward and Des’s parents start talking about the weather, and I start feeling really bad for them. I’m sure Nate really embarrassed them, and I’m also sure that Nate ruined this whole thing for Des. I would be LIVID if I were Des. Thank God I don’t have a brother.

At the Rose Ceremony, Sean confesses to Chris Harrison that he’s really not sure who he’s sending home tonight. He has it narrowed down to either Des or Catherine. These two girls’ family portions of the hometowns didn’t go as well as the others. This shows how important family is when choosing a life partner. For this reason among many, many, many others, I am so happy my family is wonderful and precious and loving and caring and every other positive adjective one could use to describe a fam fam. Sean should pick me. Des interrupts the rose ceremony (shall we start calling her Chris Bukowski?) and tells Sean she’s sorry for the way her brother acted. Sean hugs her after their chat and this tells me that she is going home (why else would he not kiss her?). Part of me feels like Sean shouldn’t let the girls’ families influence his decision a whole lot, but a bigger part of me thinks it would be better if the family of the girl he picks actually does like them and does support them. In a normal situation, maybe not so much, but in an unusual situation like this one, it’s more important because of all the publicity and inevitable rumors that will be started by tabloids. They need all the support they can get. Sean gives AshLee and Lindsay roses then has to take a break to decide to whom to give the final rose. After much deliberation, Des goes home. And I cry. Des isn’t even one of my favorites; this was just a really sad goodbye. And I hate that she has to go home and listen to her brother say “I told you so,” because who likes hearing that? For a few seconds during their goodbye, I really thought Sean was going to keep her around. I love that Des stood up for herself and said everything she needed to say and left with no regrets (other than letting her brother meet Sean probably). Side note- I really like Des’s gold sequined dress here. It looks really good on her! Sean looks defeated, and he thinks he might regret this decision. Time will tell. Des says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do about her life, and to this, I say, LIVE IT. Why let a heartbreak bog you down? You get up and kick butt every day, and you focus on things that will never stop loving you, like Jesus. And your family, or your dog, or your job, or whatever else it is that can consume your mind.

Until next week!

XO

Shae